15th January 2002:
The anti estrogen I started to take in May 2001 is not enough. Blood tests show that my ovaries are still
producing too much estrogen. I have to take complementary injections in my belly once a month.
I've never realised how much the hormones are ruling our lives. All the anti estrogen is making me depressed. I started to take
anti-depressants in November 2001. Two weeks ago I doubled the dose as there was no effect.
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21st February 2002:
After two weeks of holiday in the Dominican Republic I've started to work 75% (6 hours a day)!
I feel so much better! It's great to feel energy and enthusiasm again. I have no aches and pains at all, only some flush
because of the anti-estrogen pills and inejctions. Time and the anti-depressants have helped me.
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5th March 2002:
Time for the regular "three-month-check-up". Discussing the flushes with my doctor. I wake up several
times each night bathing in swet. My doctor tells me it may help with acupunctur and asks if I want to try that. I say yes, of course!
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11th March 2002:
My doctor calls me and asks if I would like to take part in a television programme about breast cancer. A well known
Swedish reporter will lead the programme. It will be sent live on Easter Day. I tell her I want to think about it first.
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18th March 2002:
I've decided to take part in the programme and call the reporter to tell her.
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20th March 2002:
Time for my third anti-estrogen injection in my belly. The flushes seem to become worse and worse for every new
injection they give me.
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26th March 2002:
Have an appointment with my counsellor. I don't like the side effects of the anti-depressants. We decide that I
shall reduce my dose from two to one and a half tablet a day.
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31st March 2002:
Time for television. Everything goes just fine. Everyone who takes part in the programme is very nice. I hope that
I've helped some people by having taken part in this programme.
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10th April 2002:
Met the plastic surgeon and discussed a breast reconstruction. As I've been radiated my skin is quite "stiff" and she
recommends a method which means that you take "material" from your belly and build up a new breast with. It sounds quite scaring when she
tells me the details, but I don't hesitate. If I am going to do a reconstruction I want the result to be as good as possible. Unfortunately
I'll have to wait at least one more year for my turn.
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17th April 2002:
Got my anti-estrogen injection in my belly. I hope it won't make my flushing even worse. I soon can't stand this nightly
swetting.
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1st May 2002:
Tomorrow I'll start working full time again! I feel so good that I don't think it will be any problem.
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2nd May 2002:
Time to meet my counsellor for the last time. I don't think I have any need talking no as I feel so good!
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14th May 2002:
Today I have started with acupuncture. My doctor prescribed is for my swettings/flushes. I've never tried acupuncture before. Will it
work? They say 80% get better. I tell the woman that I've had a terrbible pain in my neck for some time. It's so bad I have to take painkillers to be
able to sleep. She places some needles for that as well.
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15th May 2002:
Time for another anti-estrogen injection. Since I started with the injection I've started to gain weight. The nurse tells me that it's
quite a common problem. I am very careful with what I eat and still it's very hard.
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16th May 2002:
Time for my second acupuncture treatment. The pain in my neck disappeared after the last treatment!
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28th May 2002:
My fourth acupuncture treatment. It has still not helped me with the swettings/flushings, but I have no problmes with ache in my jaws
now. I am almost sure it's the acupuncture that has helped me. I've had problems with biting my teeth too hard together and even seen a specialist about
it earlier this year.
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7th June 2002:
Had my sixth acupuncture treatment. I think the swetting problems has become much better.
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10th June 2002:
It's time for the regular three-month-check up at the cancer clinic. I mention the problems I've had in my neck and back now and then
during the past month. It can be a sign of cancer in the skeleton, I've heard... My doctor thinks I should have a complete x-ray "just in case".
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15th June 2002:
I have great pain in my back and I also feel very exhausted and sick (like wanting to vomit). In spite of this I am going sailing with
my family and a couple of friends. Our friends have a quite big sailing boat and I've never been out sailing before. It's a lovely day, but I am very tired
and have to spend some time resting in the cabin.
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16th June 2002:
I have great pain, even worse than before. My left leg aches so much I can hardly walk. My neck is stiff and aching and it's hard for
me to turn my head. I have also got a light fever. I phone the doctor on duty. they don't find my problem urgent and tells me to call my own doctor on
Monday. Today it is Sunday.
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17th June 2002:
Try to call my doctor. They have the answering machine on and keep telling me their open hours which is right now! I give up and
call the cancer clinic. The nurse thinks I should go to the hospital (emergency) immediately.
I spend 10 hours at the hospital. They take blood tests and x-rays my neck. The blood tests show that I have some virus in my body. The x-ray shows nothing
wrong with my neck. They send me home with some anti-inflammatory pills that also work as painkillers.
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26th June 2002:
It's time for the complete x-ray of my skeleton. In the morning the inject a radioactive isotope in my blood. After lunch I am scanned
through the camera.
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1st July 2002:
I feel I should try to go to work. I haven't been there since the 14th of June. I only manage four hours. I feel so exhausted.
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2nd July 2002:
Try to go to work again. I won't give up! I manage three hours today. During the weekend I am worried as I feel I am sore just beneath my
ribs on the right side. Could it be my liver? or the pancreas? or the gall bladder? I know I have a 10 mm gall stone. I decide (after some persuasion) to
go to the hospital (emergency) again.
They take blood tests that shows increased liver values. The doctors think that it can be my gall stone that is irritating the liver and has caused an
inflammation in the liver. The time of waiting for an ultrasonic examination is several hours so they book an appointment for me for tomorrow.
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3rd July 2002:
New blood tests. Ultrasonic examination of my liver. I have still great pain in neck, back, legs and pelvis. I have to lie down waiting
some time for the result of the ultrasonic examination. The doctor finally tells me that it's not the gall stone, but "something else" that is causing my
problems. I start crying. I know it must be cancer. I tell him that I am awaiting a result of an earlier skeleton x-ray. The doctor leaves me to call my
doctor on the cancer clinic about this.
They give me strong medicines for my pains and I fell dizzy. After awhile the doctor comes back. He tells me that they have booked a biopsy of the liver
for tomorrow and after that I'll see my doctor at the cancer clinic "to discuss my future treatments".
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4th July 2002:
My husband follows me to the hospital. I am sure I'll need someone dear to hold my hand today. The biopsy is a bit scaring but it doesn't
hurt as they have given me local anaesthetic.
My doctor tells me I have metastasis from the neck, between the vertebras and down in my pelvis. They suspect cancer in my liver as well. It feels like if
my life has been torn to pieces.
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5th July 2002:
I have already started to plan my funeral... Many thoughts are crossing my mind. I start crying when I think about my daughters. How will
they manage without mum. I want to see them start school, help them with their homework etc.
We are hugging each other a lot now - all the family.
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8th July 2002:
My wonderful colleague at work, Mari, visits me and brings flower. She "treats" me with healing. Afterwards I feel much better and we
go to McDonalds to have a hamburger and after that we go on a long walk.
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10th July 2002:
It's time for an x-ray of my lungs. Elisabeth (my cousin) and her little son David (4 weeks) follows me. After that it's time for seeing
my doctor at the cancer clinic. The analysis of the liver biopsy shows cancer cells in my liver, as expected. I'll start chemo treatments tomorrow. The
goal is to stop the cancer from growing and perhaps even to reduce it.
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11th July 2002:
Time for chemo treatment. This time the type is called "Navelbine". They say I will probably not feel sick and it's not probable that
I'll loose my hair this time! Elisabeth and David is following me to the hospital.
The wonderful nurse that I had 2000-2001 during my chemo treatments meets me! We hug each other and I can see she is almost crying. We certainly didn't
want to see each other at this place in this situation again... Anyway, it feels good she will be my nurse again! We have the same kind of "rough"
humour.
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12th to 14th July 2002:
Spends the weekend by my parents in Västerås (100 km from Stockholm). We go to the beach with the kids. I lie on a
blanket in the shadow resting. It feels quite good actually.
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17th July 2002:
Time for seeing my doctor again. She tells me my lungs seems ok! The blood tests show the same result as last time - increased liver
values.
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18th July 2002:
Nine o'clock in the morning it's time for my second chemo treatment. My husband drives me to the hospital and picks me up afterwards. A
dietician visits me during the treatment. Suddenly I am not gaining weight but loosing wait, no matter how much I eat. The dietician prescribes nutrition
drinks to drink between the meals.
In the afternoon the "home care team" (nurse and doctor) visit me. The inform us about their work. I can call them any time - day and night - and they'll
arrive in 45 minutes. They'll visit me to take blood tests and help me with other practical details. It's fantastic which resources there are when you are
really ill...
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19th July 2002:
Perhaps it was stupid of me, but I read about cancer in the liver - just some information... I have 1-9 months left according to the
statistics. But I am strong! I won't this let me down. I am making the best of every single day. I only do nice things, things that I have enough energy
for. I easily feel tired, then I take a pause. I am reading, writing letters, embroidering, emailing, surfing on the Internet, painting, sewing, watching
video films, working in my garden etc.
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20th July 2002:
My cousin Elisabeth phoned the anthroposophist hospital in Järna (South of Stockholm). Registered doctors with complementary
education in alternative medicine works there. A doctor prescribed an alternative mistletoe medicine called Iscador. Elisabeth helps me with starting up
taking these.
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26th July 2002:
Suddenly I feel much better. I've not been taking any painkillers for days now. I have more energy. I hope it means the cancer has
stopped growing...
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29th July 2002:
The "home care team (two nurses) visits me to take blood tests.
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31st July 2002:
Time to meet my doctor at the cancer clinic. She's got the result of the blood tests taken the other day. They show that my liver
values are much better (not at all so high as they've been for awhile). It's not strange that I am feeling much better, I am much better! It means that
the medicines are working!
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1st August 2002:
Another chemo treatment.
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4th August 2002:
Visit Monica, a healer. Yes, I'll try that as well. It'll be interesting as I've never tried it before, only heard about it.
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8th August 2002:
Another chemo treatment.
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9th August 2002:
Visit my counsellor together with my husband. Life is changed and I need her again...
Visit Monika again for another healing session.
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12th August 2002:
Go to the hospital for a big x-ray of skull, neck, spine and pelvis. I'll have the result next week when I see my doctor again.
I really hope they don't find more cancer. It's really enough as it is.
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15th August 2002:
Visit Monica for some healing again. This time I really feel "healed" when I leave her. What a wonderful feeling!
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19th August 2002:
Go to the hospital to have a new porth-a-cat. It's quite a small surgery. Yes, I had a porth-a-cat earlier, but I had a surgery to
take it away earlier this year. At that time we thought I was free from cancer and wouldn't need it anymore...
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21st August 2002:
Visit my doctor. She tells me that my liver values are almost normal now! Only a couple of them are still a bit high. And this is not
enough! The result of last week's x-ray shows that the skeleton cancer is in retrogression ! My skeleton has started to rebuild! I feel so happy and even
more strong!
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3rd September 2002:
Went into city to try out a new breast prosthesis. My body had changed on the operated side so it looked like if my pair of breasts
were no longer the same size. Now it looks perfect again.
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10th September 2002:
I've been granted three weeks at the anthroposophic clinic! They say it's so nice there - architecture, colors, treatments,
food (ecological and vegetarian), therapy (music, painting, singing, modelling etc). Rudolf Steiner was the founder of this philosophy. I'll go there
on the 10th of October. I am really looking forward to it!
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11th September 2002:
Went to the hospital to see my doctor. She told me the latest blood tests showed almost the same liver values as last time. One of
the values showing "skeleton status" was better! Good news!
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12th September 2002:
Time for another chemo treatment. I feel tired and have pain in my legs.
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27th September 2002:
I am visiting the "Health Fair" (held once a year in Sollentuna). That seems to have been too much for me in my condition.
Afterwards I was totally exhausted and didn't have any energy left at all. But I don't regret it! It gave me a lot of new inspiration and good ideas.
I'll start eating more healthy - more fruit and vegetables, more ecological products.
Started to read the book "The Journey" by Brandon Bays. It's really fascinating!
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28th September 2002:
My stomach is in disorder and it aches. It feels a bit like catarrh, but my medicine for that kind of problems (Losec) doesn't
seem to help. Could it be the cancer that has spread to my stomach... I feel worried and decide I have to tell my doctor and ask her to check my stomach.
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30th September 2002:
Start with water physiotherapy. Feels wonderful in 93 F water temperature. One week ago I started to take a 30-minute-walk every
day. It has already made by legs stronger. I feel more trained again.
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1st October 2002:
One of the nurses from the "home caring" team comes home to me and I have new blood tests taken for tomorrow when I'll see my doctor.
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2nd October 2002:
Time to see my doctor. My liver values are a bit worse (higher), but I'll continue with the same kind of chemo treatments. My doctor
doesn't seem to be worried about it. We talk about my stomach problem and she thinks it's "only" catarrh. I'll continue to take my medicine (Losec) for it.
When I return back home from the recreation clinic in the end of this month it will be time to do new x-rays of my skeleton and ultasonic the liver. Then
we'll see if there are any difference since last time.
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3rd October 2002:
Time for another chemo treatment.
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6th October 2002:
I feel very tired and exhausted. I spend a lot of the time resting. I feel sick and I have pain in my body. Maybe the cancer has
started to grow again! Or perhaps it's only side effects from the last chemo treatment.
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7th October 2002:
Feel quite sick in the morning, but it gets better after having followed my daughter Maja to school.
Time for more water physiotherapy in the warm and nice pool.
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8th October 2002:
8.00 AM - healing treatment. My healer Monica feels how bad I am and it takes more time than usual to heal me. Monika tells me it's
because I've felt worried. Yes, I've been worried about the cancer that perhaps has started to spread and grow again and that has also made me depressed.
That's not good!
When I leave Monica I really feel healed. I went home and had energy for doing things again! I managed to tidy up a bit in my garden (winter will soon
be here). When I've read Harry Potter for Maja and both girls have fallen asleep I'll go out on a 30 minutes walk in the dark!
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9th October 2002:
Chemo treatment again. I feel a bit tired tonight but I hope it won't make me feel bad again. Since I visited Monica yesterday morning
I've felt so good.
Tomorrow morning I'll leave for the two weeks of recreation prescribed by my doctor. That'll be wonderful!
As soon as I return back home again I'll start updating my diary with news about how it was. See you all then!
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10th October 2002:
Early in the morning I take the train to Vidarkliniken in Järna (the anthroposophic clinic). It was much more exhausting than
I'd thougth, on my own carring all my luggage. When it is time to go home my husband has to come with the car and drive me home.
When I arrive a nurse comes and shows me to my room. I'll share it with four other women. A doctor talks with me and listens to my story. She decides
which anthrosophical medicines I'll need to take, which therapies and treatments I'll have.
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11th October 2002:
The nurses give me an injection with dandelion over the liver once a day. For my ache in the back I have warm compresses of flaxseed
porrige as often as I need to.
Today I've taken a walk in the surroundings and answered to some old letters that I brought with me. It's so peaceful and beautiful here!
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12th October 2002:
Since I came here I've not felt sick one single time! I wonder if it is the peace or the lacto vegetarian food or a mix.
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13th October 2002:
Today Anders, Maja and Linnea have visited me. Maja (7) told me she thinks this is a very good hotel! - nice rooms, food in the
restaurant etc.
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15th October 2002:
I feel a bit depressed and afraid. They've just told me that my liver status is worse.
I've cried a bit and phoned my friend Mari. Mari promised to phone my healer Monica and tell her to send some new energy by Reiki Healing.
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16th October 2002:
I have permanent ache in the back of the head. It feels like if the metastasis are growing and growing...
I have to keep on fighting and go on believing even if it feels tough right now.
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18th October 2002:
I wake up with a terrible head ache. They give me "ferrokvarts" pills plus a foot bath with mustard ! After these treatments my head is
almost good again. After a short walk in the fresh air I feel excellent.
On the round the doctor tells me she's contacted my doctor at the cancer clinic in Stockholm. Both are concered about my liver status. I have to go to
Stockholm and see my doctor on Monday 28th and will have to leave Vidarkliniken earlier than planned. But I'll come back again on the 28th to spend my last
9 days of the permitted three weeks.
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19th October 2002:
Today my parents came to the clinic to visit me. We were walking around in the surroundings. It's so beautiful here. The clinic has
got a water-purifying system with ponds and small "waterfalls". There are nice gardens with wonderful plants. Not far away from Vidarklniken Saltå
Kvarn (mill) is situated. There you can buy organic cultured products and have a cup of coffee in the café.
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20th October 2002:
Today my friend Mari has been visiting.
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22nd October 2002:
Yesterday I left Vidarklniken. I had an appointment with my doctor in Stockholm. New blood tests showed that the liver status was
worse.
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23rd October 2002:
I'll complete my chemos with a new kind called Xeloda. Xeloda are pills that I'll take every morning and evening. The doctors also
think that I should change the intravenous kind of chemo. The new kind will make me loose my hair again.
I am lucky to have friends that are thinking and ask questions. Wouldn't it be logical to wait for the result of the x-rays and ultrasonic examinations
that I'll do later this week? Couldn't the liver status be affected by all the chemos?
I tell my doctor I don't want to change chemos before I know for sure that the cancer are not on "reversion" any longer.
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24th October 2002:
Elisabeth and little David are following me on the x-rays.
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25th October 2002:
Time for ultrasonic examination of my liver. The metastasis that were 2-3 cm seem to be only 1 cm now! It sound just wonderful!
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28th October 2002:
Anders drives me back to Vidarklniken. I have 9 days left of my granted 21 days.
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29th October 2002:
New blood test. The result is sent by fax to the cancer clinic in Stockholm.
My doctor phones me. She's got the result from the x-rays. The intensity in the metastasis in my skeleton is lower. That's great!
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31st October 2002:
I take a taxi from Vidarklniken to the cancer clinic in Stockholm. It's time for a chemo treatment. Anders is meeting me at the
hospital. After the treatment we see my doctor.
She's got more results from the x-rays. No new metastasis. One metastasis in my fifth vertebra and one in my breastbone are on reversion. Positive news
again! I knew it! I go back to Vidarkliniken with a smile on my lips.
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2nd November 2002:
Anders, Maja, Linnea och Anders' parents are visiting me. We meet by Saltå Kvarn (the mill). I took a 30 minutes walk there.
After a cup of coffee we go to Vidarkliniken. I show them them round the buildings.
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3rd November 2002:
The terrible pain in my back of the head has disappeared. I realised it was caused by me feeling worried and afraid. I thought the
metastasis were grewing bigger and bigger. When I learnt to relax the pain was gone. Actually, I haven't got pain anywhere now. I can slow down more on
the cortison. I only take one a day now (some months ago I took 5-6 a day).
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5th November 2002:
My last day at Vidarklniken. I actually am looking forward to going home. It has been wonderful to be able to relax and being
taken care of. I've got a lot of new energy and lots of inspiration. Anders, Maja and Linnea will come to pick me up in the afternoon.
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6th November 2002:
New blood tests before the chemo treatment of tomorrow.
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7th November 2002:
I have to wait two hours for my chemo treatment - the chemo was delayed.
After my treatment I go to my hairdresser. I've booked time for bleaching "coils" (I don't know what it's called in English...). I am very satisfied with
the result. I've decided to not loose my hair by changing chemos. The cancer won't have a chance to rule my life!
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11th November 2002:
I'll have a new kind of intravenous treatment. A medicine called Zometa will help my skeleton to take up calcium.
In the evening I feel very tired and take a nap while Maja and Linnea watch the kids' programme on TV.
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12th November 2002:
I wake up a couple of hours after midnight because I am freezing. I've great pain in my body. I feel sick and am very thirsty. I
fall asleep and wake up several times. I realise I have to try getting up and take a pill against feeling sick. I drink a lot and then I go back to bed
again. I can't sleep because of feeling cold and in pain. After some time I ask Anders about something to drink. I don't have energy enough to go up
another time. In the morning I still dont' feel any better. Nothing helps against the cold and the pain. I realise I probably have some fever. Yes,
39,2 C/102,6 F! I understand why I feel so bad! Could it be the flu? No, I don't think so. I haven't heard of anyone in Sweden having got it yet. Could it
be the intravneous treatment of yesterday? I call my doctor. She calls the manufacturer of Zometa. Yes, side effects like having the flu is not unusual.
It will be over in 24 hours.
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13th November 2002:
Another night with bad sleep - freezing and feeling pain. In the morning I still have a fever - 38,2 C/100,8 F. In the afternoon I
finally start to feel better again.
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18th November 2002:
Today I went early to the cancer clinic. I had to take blood tests one hour before my doctors appointment at 9.00. I had a cup of
coffee while waiting for the doctor.
The result of my blood tests arrived in the middle of the appointment. Guess what! All liver values were much better than last time. I think I don't have
to tell you how happy I am!
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23rd November 2002:
Last Wednesday I went to Monica for healing. ThursdayI got a chemo treatment and todayI've made the "Emotional Journey" with Mari.
"The Journey" is a book by Brandon Bays. If you are interested you can read more at
Brandon's webpage.
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25th November 2002:
Before lunch I had some excercising in the warm pool at the hospital. After that I met my cousin Elisabeth (and David). Together we
went to Monica for some healing. Elisabeth had never tried it before and was very curious. Elisabeth was a bit surprised as Monica knew things about her
that none had told her about...
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2nd December 2002:
Today I've taken part in a Reiki Healing course by Monica (Reiki I). The education in Reiki consists of three parts. After Reki I I am
supposed to be able to heal myself. Of course, I need a lot of training! I'll try it on my children.
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3rd December 2002:
Training it the pool. Tried to swim a bit (4 x 7 meters). That was tough!
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4th December 2002:
This morning I felt very sick. I was not able to help Anders with taking the childrens to school. It took more than two hours before
I felt a bit better again. Unfortunately the pain in my stomach (catarrh) didn't seem to disappear. Maybe it was too much healing last Monday?
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6th december 2002:
How do I feel? I have only been writing about what I've been up to lately. Not anything about how I am. Today I feel "fit as a fiddle".
Last week I stopped taking cortison. I have no pain that can depend on my cancer. The stomach catarrh disappeared yesterday after I'd been on healing.
I am not sure if it depends on the healing or on the medicine I regularly take to cure it.
Why I have stomach catarrh? It depends on the chemo pills (Xeloda). They also cause a terrible pain over the breast and in my arms.
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7th December 2002:
This morning I woke up very early (6.00) wih a terrible pain in my body. It was not possible to sleep any longer so after one hour
I could not stand it any longer and had to get up. I took a couple of pain killer and after some time I felt much better.If this goes on I have to start
taking cortison again.
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9th December 2002:
Time for new bloodtests and for meeting my doctor. The liver status is even better than last time! Unfortunatley was the status of
the white blood cells bad. That value has always been normal before. My doctor confers with another doctor and they decide I should not have any intravenous
chemo treatment this week. I should only take the chemno pills (Xeloda). Both would be too much for my immune system. Monday next week I'll have new blood
tests taken. If the white blood cells are better then, I'll have both kind of chemo treatments that week.
My doctor told me that the fact that I'd stopped taking cortison could be the reason for the strange pain I have and that I am freezing a lot - like some
kind of abstinence. It will probably become better in one or two weeks. If not. I have to start taking cortison again.
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10th December 2002:
Training in the warm pool again. Today I managed 6 x 7 meters. Some years ago I was able to swim 1000 meters...
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16th December 2002:
Training in the warm pool again. Today I managed 8 x 7 meters. After the training I had new blood tests taken.
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19th December 2002:
The status of the white blood cells is better so I was able to have my chemo treatment early in the morning. My daugther Maja
followed me.
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21st December 2002:
I am worried because I am loosing so much hair. I am avoiding to comb my hair. I know it's stupid, but it's so terrible with all
the hair just falling.
Maybe I don't have to worry. Since my hair started to grow out I've hardly lost any hair at all. Maybe it's just like when you are pregnant - you don't
loose any hair and when the baby is born you suddenly loose a lot of hair.
I just have to wait and see what happens. I started to take vitamin B a couple of days ago. It can't make it worse at least...
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27th December 2002:
I still manage well without taking any cortsion or pain killers. What bothers me most is being so tired and to not have energy
enough. The Stomach catharr that is a side effect from Xeloda (chemo pills) is painful.
I've stopped loosing a lot of hair. Now it's only normal hair loss.
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30th December 2002:
Today I've trained in the warm pool at the hospital. After I tried to swim as long as I possibly could. It became 112 metres!
I feel proud of myself!
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