A look at the colorful word FUCK!
Five reasons computers must be Female!
Is a motorcycle better than a Woman?
The five toughest questions a Woman can ask!
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "fuck". It is one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary doesn't give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrible fuck).
It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful).
As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of the word "fuck".
Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings "How the fuck are you?"
2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Dismay "Oh, fuckit!"
4. Trouble "Well, I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Agression "Fuck You!"
6. Disgust "Fuck Me!"
7. Confusion "What the Fuck...?"
8. Difficulty "I don't fucking understand."
9. Despair "Fucked again."
10. Incompetence "He fucks everything up."
11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
13. Disbelief "Unfuckingbelievable."
14. Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
15. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
16. Apathy "Who gives a fuck anyway."
17. Resignation "Fuck it."
18. Derision "He fucks everything up."
19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Direction "Fuck off."
It can be used to telltime..."It's five-fucking thirty."
It can be used in business..."How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal...as in "Motherfucker".
It can be political..."Fuck Bill Clinton".
The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history, the more well-known being:
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Look at all those fucking Indians." General Custer
"What fucking iceberg?" Captain of the Titanic
"It's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon "
The fucking throttle stuck." Donald Campbell "
Who is going to fucking know?" Richard Nixon "
You call this scattered fucking shower?" Noah "
I don't suppose it's fucking raining." Joan of Arc "
Heads are going to fucking roll." Ann Boleyn "
Who let the fucking woman drive?" Captain of the Challenger "
I thought I could smell the fucking petrol." Nikki Lauda "
You want what on the fucking ceiling." Michael Angelo "
How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras "
That fucking bridge." Ted Kennedy "
Let them eat fucking cake." Marie Antoinette (Queen of France) "
I fucking dare you." John Bobbit "
What fucking dagga?" Bill Clinton "
What fucking money?" Nkosazama Zuma "
What fucking prostitute?" Hugh Grant "
What fucking affirmative action." Eugene Terreblanche
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word! How can anyone be offended when you use the word "fuck"???
Use it frequently in you daily speech; it adds to your prestige.
What if people bought cars like they bought computers
If People Bought Cars The Same Way They Bought Computers
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who
don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars the
way they buy computers --but imagine if they did...
........................................................................................................
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have
to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
........................................................................................................
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, witha needle,
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then
a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car.
When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round
thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install
it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell
me that I have to keep buying more components?
I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
..................................................................................................................................
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.
It worked for a while, and then it crashed
-- and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility
if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned
manual of yours. It said to make the car
go to put the transmission in 'D' and press
the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what
I did --now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual
before operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did
EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir.
It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and
read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest
versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
..................................................................................................................................
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose
your car because it has automatic transmission,
cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go
places in my car!"
FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
......................................................................................................................
5. NO ONE BUT THEIR CREATOR UNDERSTANDS THEIR INTERNAL LOGIC
4. EVEN YOUR SMALLEST MISTAKES ARE IMMEDIATELY COMMITTED TO MEMORY FOR FUTURE REFERENCE
3. NATIVE LANGUAGE USED TO COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER COMPUTERS IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE
2. "BAD COMMAND OR FILENAME" ABOUT AS INFORMATIVE AS "IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHY I'M MAD AT YOU, THEN I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO TELL YOU."
1. AS SOON AS YOU COMMIT TO ONE, YOU FIND FIND YOURSELF SPENDING HALF YOUR PAYCHECK ON ACCESSORIES FOR IT.
.......................................................................................................................
Honeymooning campers have one intent.
Blond girl have black hair by cracky.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Man who have titty in mouth make clean breast.
Woman pilot who fly upside down have crack up.
Man who lays girl in field gets piece on earth.
Woman who slides down bannister makes monkey shine..
Girl who goes to bed with detective must kiss dick.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Wife who puts man in dog house may find him in cat house.
Man who marries girl with no bust have right to feel low down..
Squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts; man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Girl should not marry basketball player: he dribbles before he shoots.
Woman who springs on innerspring this spring gets offspring next spring.
"Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Man who go through airplane door sideways going Bankok"
"Man doing push-up in long grass not necessarily exercise freak"
"Man who go to sleep with itchy bottom wake up with smelly finger"
"Man who can't get wife off has no bitch coming"
"Man who go to bed with sex problem on mind, awaken with solution at hand."
"A satisfied virgin is a virgin no more"
"Man who play with sharp objects may not be man for long"
"Man who wait for women to call, wait long time"
"It easier to meet girl in park than park meat in girl."
"He who fuck woman on grass, get piece on earth"
"He who stand on toilet, high on pot"
"He who put dick in peanut butter, fucking nuts"
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano.
Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Confucius not know what to say!"
"All blonde not blonde by cracky"
"All men eat, but Fu Manchu."
"America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant."
"Australia Good Place to Put Chinese Restaurant."
"Baby ill-conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Bird in hand make hard to blow nose"
"Blonde who fly upside down have crack up."
"Boiling water, very hot!"
"Boy & girl camping together sure to have naughty intent."
"Boy who diddle little girl do diddly squat."
"Boy who play with self pull boner."
"Chemist who fall in acid, absorbed in work."
"Crowded elevator smell different to midget."
"Don't judge book by cover, but by how thick it is."
"Even the greatest whale is helpless in middle of desert."
"Find old man in dark, not hard!"
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."
"Girl who marry detective must kiss dick."
"Girl who sit on brother-in-law's knee, make hard for sister."
"Girl who sit on jockey's knee get hot tip."
"Girl who slide down banister nude get splinter by crackey!"
"Girl with back to fire warming whole of her body."
"Girl's best asset is her `lie' ability."
"He who chase car will get exhausted."
"He who eat cookie in bed, will wake up feeling crumby."
"He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver."
"He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"He who fish in other man's well often catch crabs."
"He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money."
"He who put face in punch bowl get punch in nose."
"He who refuse to listen is lying."
"He who sniff Coke, drown."
"He who stick head in open window get pane in neck."
"He who stick head in oven get baked bean."
"Hockey player on ice have big stick."
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
"Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy!"
"Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
"It take a lot of balls to make a football team."
"It take many nails to build crib, one screw to fill it."
"Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing."
"Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!"
"Look for helping hand on end of own arm."
"Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag."
"Man should never straddle barbed wire fences."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who abuse his computer get bad bytes!"
"Man who buy drowned cat must pay for stinking wet pussy."
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"
"Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time."
"Man who eat photo of father,soon spitting image of father."
"Man who finger girl having period may get caught red handed."
"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"
"Man who jump through window screen, strain self."
"Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off."
"Man who live in glass house should dress in basement."
"Man who lose key to girlfriend's house get no new key."
"Man who marries a girl with no bust, feel low down."
"Man who masturbate only screwing self."
"Man who polish knob play pocket pool."
"Man who pull out too fast leave rubber."
"Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end."
"Man who push piano down mine shaft get a flat miner."
"Man who put cock on stove have hot rod."
"Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache."
"Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!"
"Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails!"
"Man who sit on hot stove will rise again."
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who step in it often say it."
"Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things."
"Man with hand in bush not necessarily trimming shrubs."
"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."
"Passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly."
"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."
"Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts."
"Those who make love in strawberry patch have butt in jam."
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"When baby cry, give bust in face."
"When lady say maybe, she mean yes."
"When lady say no, she mean maybe."
"When lady say yes, she no lady."
"Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock."
"Woman who spend much time on bedspring have offspring."
"Woman who turn back on lover get screwed over."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
"Woman with bleached blonde hair have black hair by cracky."
"Woman with cold hands have fire under skirt."
"Women fake orgasm, Men fake foreplay."
"Confucius say too damn much!"
Why a Motorcycle is Better than a Woman
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycle, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.
Some come here to sit and think,Others come here to shit and stink.
I come here to scratch my balls and read the writing on the walls.
I fucked your mother last night!
{and right below it in different handwriting:}
Go home dad, you're drunk.
My wife follows me everywhere. {and right below it:} I do not!!
This is where Napoleon pulled his Bonaparte.
In days of old when knights were bold and toilets were not invented .
They'd lay their load beside the road and walk away contented.
In days of old when knights were bold and rubbers were not invented
They'd tie a sock around their cock and babies were prevented.
Here I sit with raging shits just about to lose my wits
I've shit in England,I've shit in France,But before I shit here!
I'll shit in my pants
Why are you looking up? The joke is in your hands
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men.
1 -What are you thinking?
2 -Do you love me?
3 -Do I look fat?
4 -Do you think she is prettier than me?
5 -What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 -What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question, of course is,
I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things!
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier she is than you
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife,Peg.
If I wanted you to know, Al said, I'd be talking instead of thinking
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers!
2 - Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is, Yes.
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by love?
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - Do I look fat?
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
No, of course not and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include!
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - Do you think she's prettier than me?
The she in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is, No, you are much prettier.
Wrong answers include!
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - What would you do if I died?
Correct answer!
Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way.
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange.
Dear, said the wife.
What would you do if I died?
Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, said the husband.
Why do you ask such a question?
Would you remarry? persevered the wife.
No, of course not, dear. said the husband.
Don't you like being married?said the wife.
Of course I do, dear. he said.
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Alright, said the husband, I'd remarry.
You would?said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
Yes, said the husband.
Would you sleep with her in our bed? said the wife after a long pause.
Well yes, I suppose I would.replied the husband.
I see, said the wife indignantly.
And would you let her wear my old clothes?
I suppose, if she wanted to, said the husband.
Really, said the wife icily.
And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?
Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.
Is that so?said the wife, leaping to her feet.
And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too.
Of course not, dear,said the husband.
She's left-handed...
You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.