Kid York

Hello. (Whistles, cheers, boos, applause and hisses from the audience.) My name is Peter Lakbar and this is a little story/satire/general parody thingie that I wrote between five and six in the morning. That explains a lot, that does. It isn´t really about any characters featured in any comic book, but rather about them that makes ´em. I spend a lot of time lurking on a place called R.a.c.m.x and so have found myself infected by the particular brand of madness called; let´s mock those funny people who write/draw/edit the X-books. It´s all in good cheer though. All names have been mildly changed to protect the guilty. If you can identify whom all six are supposed to be then consider yourself officially clever.

The Strangest Alliance
*Boooom!* The explosion rocked the fashionable skyscraper at 753 Park Avenue in New York. The entity known only as Hob Barras looked up from the stacks of manuscripts, unfinished artwork and, for some reason, a turtle with the number seven on its shell, that cluttered his desk. "What in Stan´s name was that?!" he exclaimed, springing from his chair with the grace of a practiced gymnast. His sharp ears picked up the sound of sobbing and screams of despair emanating from the dreaded Room Down The Hall. His godlike countenace took on a stern expression. "This sounds like a job for.....the Editor!!!" he shouted and out of habit assumed a dramatic pose. A few minutes later he awoke from his revieres of imagined power and glory because someone was frantically shaking his arm. -"What? Eh? Oh, it´s you." he said to the wretched wreck that had now sunk to it´s knees and was weeping pitifully. And indeed it was him. The one known in certain esoteric circles as Yid Kork. -"What´s the matter with you? Why are you crying?" Hob asked. Whatever the reason, it must be something horrible, to thus reduce a proud and strong man to tears, he thought. And indeed it was. -".....Th´...th´....th´....the c-Continuity Chamber(tm)... has....has.... been breached!" bubbled Yid Kork, still sobbing into the plush, expensive carpet. -"What!!!" Hob roared, incredoulus. "B-but that´s impossibe! There are failsafes." he barked, while running towards the Room Down The Hall. The sight that met him was even worse than he could have imagined in his worst nightmares. And that´s saying quite a lot, belive you me. The room was in shambles, the three great metal and glass cylinders that powered and maintained the Continuity Chamber(tm) were all broken. And worst of all, the Continuity Chamber(tm) itself was damaged, the great obsidian block of crystal carbon was cracked and crumbling, it´s corners crawling with crimson fire. -"How...." he began, but then realised that he was alone in the room. He sprinted back to the other, but merely with un-capitalized letters, room down the hall, revived the weakly protesting Yid Kork, slung him over his herculean shoulders and ran back. -"How did this happen? How could it have happened? It´s supposed to be fool-proof." he exclaimed, mighty wrath rising in him like smoke from a long dormant vulcano. -"It´s not my fault! It´s not my fault!" Yid Kork whined. "I didn´t do anything. It was Moward Hackie, I swear! I swear!!" He started sobbing again, all the while mumbling incohorently under his breath. -"Listen! If the Continuity Chamber(tm) breaks the whole thing goes down the drain. Time, space, the whole universe will be destroyed. So stop wimpering and help me, for Stan´s sake!!" Hob screamed. -"It´s no use, it´s no use. Even if we can contain the discontinuity wave the three Control Columns(tm) are still broken! It´ll all collapse in on itself!" Yid Kork spasmed. -"Maybe we can use the Retcon Rod(tm) to slow the process down, give us time to think." Hob mused. No sooner said than done, Bob carefully approached the three columns, inspecting each. The first, labelled "Characters" was apparently still functioning, having only temporarely shut down. The other two, marked "Writing" and "Art" were both damaged, but could concivably be repaired. It was, however, only a matter of time before the Continuity Chamber(tm) ceased to function unless the three Control Columns(tm) were brought back online. -"Aye, there´s the rub." mumbled the euruditic Hob and scratched his mighty chin. He knew of no way to stop the process, even using the nigh-omnipotent Retcon Rod(tm). Suddenly the door was kicked violently in, making Yid Kork twich an extra 120 degrees on the carpet. In the doorway stood an large man with a grotesque proportioned physique. His arms were as thick around as his thight, his chest were thicker than he was wide and his head, feet and hands were tiny and anthropied. In one puny hand he carried an enormous gun. He was covered in ammunition belts. Hob gave a start as he recognised his would-be-saviour. -"You!?!?!?" he shouted. A hush fell, and even Yid Kork stopped blubbering as Lob Riefield entered the room, tottering unsteadily on his tiny feet. -"Who did ya expect? Santa Claus?" he said, waving his gun around and squeezing off a burst in the corner to emphasize his words. -"Can you repair the Continuity Chamber(tm)?" Hob asked, hoping against all hope. -"No, but I can shoot it for you, if you think that would help." Lob answered, grinning happily, like a dog who likes to show a new trick. -"Oh Stan. We´re truly doomed." Hob said, hanging his noble head in defeat and letting his titanian frame sink to the floor. -"`Ere, what´s the matter with you sodding bastards then? Can´t a man `ave a smoke in peace `round `ere?" a voice sounded through the opressive silence. A strong odour of ciggarette smoke drifted through the room. -"You!?!?!?" Hob shouted, feeling a slight sense of deja vu. The Dark And Nameless Stranger emerged from a darkened corner, (luckily, not the one Lob shot at,) his trenchcoat billowing about him like the shadow of death. (Dramatic music is heard in the background.) -"So that´s th´ sodding thing´s been causing all th´ ruckus `round `ere, eh." The Dark And Nameless Stranger said, looking contemptously at the Continuity Chamber(tm). -"I´ll have you know that that "sodding" thing is the only thing holding the universe together." Hob said, feeling a little put out by the other man´s lack of respect and awe. -"I know how t´ fix th´ sodding thing, so you´d better shut up, yer bleedin´ wanker." Hob shut his mouth with a click. -"Now, `ere´s what we `ave got t´ do......." One heavily accented and profundly profanity filled explanation later; -"What?! You can´t be serious? You want us to jump into the thing?" Hob shouted. He felt a bit light headed, probably because of all the ciggarette smoke. Or maybe just because he shouted so much. -"Jumping is fun but hard." said Lob, smiling happily and shooting a plasma beam out the window. -"I told you, we `ave to use our life-force to contain the continuity energies, or it´ll reach critical mass and self-destruct. Now move yer ass!" The Dark And Nameless Stranger said, flicking a ciggarette butt into the Continuity Chamber(tm). Hob looked around the room one final time, reading himself for the plunge. His eyes fell upon Yid Kork, who was happily chewing on the leg of a chair. No help there. -"I guess it´ll just be the three of us, then." he said out loud. The other two nodded. There was a moment of silence and heartrending angst as all three heroes pondered their past and their present, but at least they didn´t have to worry about their future. Then it began. -"Lets kick ass!" Lob screamed and fired wildly about him as he leapt into the obsidian darkness. -"Theirs not to make reply, theirs but to do and die. Into the valley of death rode the six hundred." Hob qouted, being quite proud that he could remember Tennyson at a moment like this. Then he jumped. -"Ah, sod it." mumbled the Dark And Nameless Stranger, lighting a final ciggarette. And leapt. And so they went, the three heroes. Giving their lives that others might live, having learned that greatest of all lessons; that with great power comes great responsibillity......

Epilogue:
After a while Yid Kork sat up and started to laugh. -"Ahabwahaaha! I won! I fooled them all I did! 'Yid Kork' indeed! Ha, they never even suspected that I was really "Charcel Montris" in disguise." he said as he pulled his mask off. -"They did exactly as I had foreseen and sacreficed themselves to save the universe, so now I can take over this whole company! And run it my way.......Bwahahahaahaa......" The evil laugh rang down the empty hallways and echoed across the building.

The End

Go back to previous page