I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a

lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.

Let's be honest: Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves?

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my

money back.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose

pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and

started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere.

"Uh-oh," he though. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I

think you should buck him off right away.

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much

glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then

tell them their ants ate your baby.

I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They

look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find

him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very

end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.

Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the

elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and

eating everything they see.

I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mister Swenson was the meanest man

in town. But I said I thought he was nice, that he just didn't know how to show it. The

meanest man in town, I said, was the mean old guy who lived in the big white house.

"THAT'S MISTER SWENSON," they said. Oh, my mistake.

If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start

thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign

of jungle madness.

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called

Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing

that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons

on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it

lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the

professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and

numbers to see who is assking the question.

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on

me is a kind of clicking noise.

Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just

walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of theose plastic dry-cleaner bags?

Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to

shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty

years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold.

When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn

fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'd say, "well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to

their faces, and this is what annoys me.

The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could.

He was suddenly on top of the meteor---through some kind of space warp or something.

"Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he

took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob," he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away

from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there

was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I'm telling you, I

will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy.

I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the

ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought,

"What am I doing?!"

What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be

afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest

answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?

I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening

to me?!

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man

because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found

out he was a bear.

Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you're just

driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road?

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the

moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes

out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might

call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were

sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked,

and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like

an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you

look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite.

I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on.

"Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't

listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was ogoing to fly. I

forget what happened after that.

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I

say.

It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never

realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to

gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.

If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun

of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we

hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL

civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new

civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.

The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really

see it in those genitals.

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on

deck, I guess I'd go, but I'd try to find some excuse to leave early.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State

Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their

various gases before they even hit.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's

what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear

monster and that big-dress monster.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head

and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would

be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because

there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children

would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge.

If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably

have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding

skin.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're

gone.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like

"Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have

that fifty dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all

take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a

deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're

coming home, his face might burn up.

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale

of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those

little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while

they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

A quiz: If I am my brother's keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make

someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwing up, is not what

I call hospitality.

I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then

stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone

would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the

movie."

If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if

somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was

window-shopping or something.

I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.

Then, that night, they burned the wheel.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's that big of a deal. First of all, if you're a

swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks that much better than the one

you've got, so why not mate fo life?

Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something

that stings you, then laughs at you.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the

head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua that's always biting you on the

ankles, still that's pretty good isn't it? I'm going to go ahead and keep you in the "happy"

category.

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the sutffing or the cranberry sauce or

anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it

into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out

a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to

protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of

potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't

get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from

inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock

half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the

ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill

toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the

pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start

faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars

around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no

factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car?

And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the

driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved

his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better

than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets

it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.

Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold

nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's

bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the

"Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You

can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else."

Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the

night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him

out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye,

Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap

on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and

her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar

like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty

years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold.

When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn

fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake,

tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by

a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys

will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil

puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the

human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill

someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you

pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once

got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the

bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait,

so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to

see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one

little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and

whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later

the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand,

but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but

that's the way of these people.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent,

Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient

said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said,

"Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray,

stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his

bill.

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or

anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it

into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out

a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You

don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never

were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels,

and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the

ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate

times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside

the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold.

But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.