Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He

said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as

long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling

hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long."

But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But

then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after

all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a

little long, though.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some

rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of

rolled-up tobacco leaves.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the

natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on

vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in

his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean

back and sort of smirk.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real

happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes,

because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is

someone else's territory.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated

about him.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have

to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout,

or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm

speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called

him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.

But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm

describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to

put on my pants.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a

man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself

have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the

desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey,

progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of

the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from

my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was

real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these

sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another

group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world

record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no

one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on

top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think

it'd work.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a

good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's

Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his

pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks

broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but

whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a

loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then

maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but

maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because

it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the

guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel

better.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know

what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have

here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he

showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would

be Carl.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the

interchangeable parts.

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they

started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay

in the cellar."

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the

ruthless domination of our solar system.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up

saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed

because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat

the snowman.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.

That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball

machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of

free games.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and

hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the

window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be

Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are

kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick

and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs.

Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a

complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping

and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Blow ye winds / Like the trumpet blows; / But without that noise.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and

attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she

fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single

one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?"

And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size,

because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and

if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and

maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever

created by Man.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a

poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet

and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him

about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why

it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call

the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say.

"That's dynamite, baby."

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and

beg for it.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and

bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.

But some other stuff could happen and it would be like ambition.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is

capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as

you might think.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the

program!

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,

and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is

that thing?

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very

pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought

back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named

him Flint.

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henri thought

back to the torture he had received ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning", he

thought as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs,

chest, and groin area.

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too

tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this year", said the

sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it

should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her

suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -

just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out

when you're coming home, his face might burn up.

Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several

of us died of tuberculosis.

Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had

accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he

kicked me, then he punched me again.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be

"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I

thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it

with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would

probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw

fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not

the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an

elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an

astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into

Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam

the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's

not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in

his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped,

and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean

over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a

woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.

Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people

laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be

waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people

would go, "Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull

out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show

off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a

clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway.

So, dirty work.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's

what I hated about him.

Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the

ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around,

like you're going to fall in.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy

sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody

ready to start now?"

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above

the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I

bet you can really see it in those genitals.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old

Yeller, stay in the cellar."

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe

in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe with lots of

shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds, and He's about five

hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like "I...AM...GOD!" He can

blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my own, personal idea of God.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to

be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the

sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd

probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the

rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an

arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the

top thing you can do.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they

don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when

somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,

is the story of Popeye.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end

up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get

embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and

they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the

Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They

probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a

fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and

round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,

"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had

some growing up to do.

I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the principal's

office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say anything, he just looked

at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is this yours?" he said. "No," I

said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my penis. I guess I wasn't as scared as

I thought.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall

under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they

want to know?

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and

lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said

that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.

Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like

that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he

paid for his stupid puppet.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other.

I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and

drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I

just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.