October 27th, 1997

Enjoying misery

I notice once again that most of my old friends are gone. No, they're not dead or anything, but they might as well be. They've enclosed themselves in a little cocoon of "family-ness", getting engaged, buying a nice car, and taking out a loan to buy a house. Some even have kids. Now, this is probably very nice, I mean, that was you know what you have, and what you're getting. But what if you die tomorrow? What if you get hit by a bus, freeze to death in a blizzard, get hit by a meteor, or are born with a weakness in your heart that just bursts one morning, killing you in between the second and third slice of toast?

Now, I don't expect to die tomorrow (although at times I've wished for it), but if I do I want to do it knowing that I've done at least some of all that I dreamed of. And that whole family thing isn't part of the deal for me. Sure, I could have a nice car, and then the clutch wouldn't have come apart, and I wouldn't have had to go for a cold and miserable walk in the night, but then I would have _missed_ something. I guess what I mean is that I really want things to change in my life. Sure, I don't have a regular job (though I hope to have one soon), and I don't have anything planned whatsoever, but I'm not _bored_. Even when I'm starving because I've blown all my money and won't be getting any more for a few weeks, I'm sort of enjoying the fact that my life isn't predictable. And that's a major thing for me, though it sure didn't use to be. I used to be envious of all those people with stable economies, nice cars and whole houses full of food, and fat bank accounts, but I'm not anymore. I learned to appreciate the fact that my life is unsure, unsafe and unstable, and I'm actually enjoying it. So call me stupid, I probably am, and I'm sure I'll want all that family life later, but right now I'm perfectly happy not being happy, if you know what I mean :). See you out there, you never know :).