May 5th, 1998

This is gonna hurt...

I don't know if I should put this one up at all, It's more meant for private consumption, but I figure what the hell. Anyone who hates me already won't start loving me for it, and those who love me (if any) won't hate me for it. Or maybe they will, what the hell. It's not quite as bad as it seems, as when I wrote it (last night) I was a bit depressed, but I think it's better to put it up here unedited anyway and add to it in later entries...

Now, on the subject of my friend Z. I'm not sure what to say about her. I met her through another friend, and I can't say that we liked each other all that much at first. I was intrigued, interested, horny, the usual, but she resisted most of my attempts and that got me even more intrigued. Eventually there was some serious conversation, which I really liked, this chick wasn't stupid. I got to see some pictures (yes, this all took place on the net) and they were OK (bad quality, but she looked cute enough). And then, of course, there was the more or less inevitable CS (Cybersex). And it was all good, except I was officially with someone else at the time, and that didn't make me too proud. I was unable to resist, however, and in the hard times ahead, I often fled to her for comfort, love, and just a little peace in her (virtual) arms. She provided the steadiness I was unable to provide for others, or for her.

Then things went real bad on the net, nothing to do with Z., but I started logging on less and less, and eventually started blaming the net in general and AlphaWorld in particular for my troubles. I didn't want a life online, I thought my salvation was a life offline, so I made sure I had one, or at least that I didn't have one online. The problem was that Z. seemed to really like me (isn't that terrible?), and perhaps need me a bit, which I wasn't really prepared to accept at the time. Or maybe I was, I just didn't want to be online, period, so I wasn't. Then the other week Z. told me she was "seeing" someone in "cyberspace". I should have been relieved, and happy that a friend of mine had found some of the happiness and peace that she's given me, but I'm not, dammit. I'm envious. I find that I can't rise above and rid myself of feelings, nor can I just be happy that other people have more of a life than me, I'm subject to these petty feelings just like anyone else, and that really annoys me.

I guess the problem is that it wasn't real. I wish it had been, though I didn't realize it at the time, but what I wanted was to meet someone like that (cute, smart, and caring) IRL at that time. I wanted to meet someone in real life, with whom I could fall in love and be happy. I didn't, I met her online, and it wasn't within my powers to make it real. So I destroyed it, and now I'm sorry. Does that sound familiar to anyone? If not, read back, see if you can find anything about Nancy. There's hidden stuff about Ride too, much the same thing, though perhaps the opposite in some regards, and I haven't put anything serious up about that. Maybe I will if I feel like it, or have to.