This is a story about a couple who had been happily
married for 26
years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife
and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectlynatural.
She told him to see a Doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing; tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had
got her own back. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs
in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right.All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean," asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out
and today it finally happened. But.....by the grace of God, some Vaseline
and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!"
A Blonde walks into a bank in New
York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such
a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce
parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the
bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you
are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two
weeks for 15 bucks?"
A blonde went into a world wide message center to
send a message to her mother overseas. When the man
told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I
don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a
message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would
expect)."Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything," the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he
walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she
was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door," the man said.
She
did. He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ...
then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go
ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it
...and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively
said........... "Hello, mom can you hear me?"
DRUNK ! (my favorite)
There was a guy in a bar
one night.... that
got really drunk, I mean really,really, really, drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say
anything, he punched her again this time she fell down and he
stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked
her up and
threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers
and whispered.......
Not so tough tonight are you Batman?
See if you can work this out ?!
Family problems
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept
complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think
you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I
met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married. "Later my
father married my step daughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother
and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her
father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This
boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the
son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me
the grandfather of my half-brother. "This was nothing until my wife and I
had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the
grandmother. "This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose
stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife
is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own
grandfather! And you think you have family problems!"
DINNER WITH THE GIRLFRIEND'S PARENTS
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come
on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
Silver Dildo
This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while he
runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this red head lady.
She walks up to the counter and asks, "How much for that pink dildo up on
the
shelf?" The guy replies, "$25." She said, "I'll take
it!" A few minutes
later in walks this brunette. She walks up to the counter and asks,
"How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf?"
The guy replies, "$50." She
said, "I'll take it." A while later this blonde walks in. Her eyes got
as
big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked, "How much for that
big silver dildo on the shelf?" The guy replies, "$100." She pays
him and
leaves. In walks the owner and asks how business was doing, and his friend
replies, "I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50,
and I sold your THERMOS for a $100."
"MAN TO MAN"
A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked
his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red
petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one
turns to the
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so
late!"
His buddy looks at him and says,
"Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the
driveway, slam the door, storm
up the steps, throw my shoes into
the closet, jump into bed, slap her
on the butt and say, 'you as horny
as I am? ....and, she always acts like
she's sound asleep.
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