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Sick and tired of heroes who always seem to win no matter how impossible the odds are against them? Are you even more annoyed when these outcomes never seem do be due to the heroes own skills, but instead totally dependant on the blundering ineptness of the villain. Inspired by the original lyrics to the background music, and thanks to some guys on RPG-net, I finally realized how I would go about doing things
If I ever become the High Mistress of Evil
- My Legions of TerrorÔ will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
- My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
- My noble half-sister, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
- The artifact, which is the source of my power, will not be kept on the Mountain of DespairÔ beyond the River of FireÔ guarded by the Dragons of EternityÔ . It will be kept in my safe-deposit box.
- I will not gloatÔ over my enemies' predicament before I kill them.
- Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.
- When I captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
- After I abduct the handsome princeÔ , we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
- I will not include a self-destruct mechanismÔ unless absolutely necessary. If it is unavoidable, it will not be in the form of a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".
- I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the child who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself.
- I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
- I will not waste time and effort making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.
- I will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
- One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old childÔ . Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
- Any slain enemies will be cremated and their ashes scattered by the winds, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
- After I have polymorphed my enemies into a harmless shape they will be killed in this form, instead of left wandering around the countryside.
- My undercover agents will not have tattoosÔ identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
- The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
- I will never employ any device requiring a digital countdown. If such a device is absolutely necessary, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan in motion.
- I will design all doomsday machinesÔ myself. If I must hire a mad scientistÔ , I'll make sure he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he caused.
- I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
- When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
- I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial moment.
- I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own mother.
- Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
- I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of TerrorÔ , as opposed to a cheap knock-off that makes them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot-soldiers or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
- Whenever I can freely target my enemy with an effect, it will be a lethal one, rather than putting them to sleep, in a coma or other form of suspended animation from which they might accidentally awaken.
- No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field larger than my head.
- I will keep a cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. Even if some hero manage to disrupt my power-generatorÔ and render the standard-issue weapons useless, my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
- No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of device, which is completely indestructibleÔ except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
- If my stronghold is attacked, I will not prance about pointlessly, dressed in nothing but a chain-mail bikiniÔ or translucent negligée. Not only will this be a source of distraction to my own troops; a full set of plate-mail without any exposed areas is much more protective.
- My formula for perpetual youth and beautyÔ will not be instantaneously reversible by the shattering of a crystal or other highly fragile object.
- My pet monsterÔ will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape, and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
- I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
- I will not dress up in a stainless steel bustier or use four-inch heeled shoes, nor will I require high-ranking females of my organization to wear such items. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black form-fitted leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
- I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
- I will not develop any devious schemes that depend on having the hero's party getting into my inner sanctumÔ before the trap is sprung.
- I will not turn into a snakeÔ . It never helps.
- I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
- I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to their cell doors on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
- I will not use any effects or devices that make my eyes blaze red when I'm angered . In the old days it made you look demonic. Nowadays people just assume you are using colored lenses or are experiencing a bad case of hangover.
- If my trusted lieutenant tells me that my Legions of TerrorÔ
are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he is my trusted lieutenant.
- If an enemy I've just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
- If I absolutely must ride personally into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of TerrorÔ
, nor will I seek out my opposite number among the hero's army.
- I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I possess an unstoppable super-weaponÔ
, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
- I will offer all oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or be executed.
- I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliableÔ
" spells that can be neutralized by a relatively inconspicuous talisman.
- I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like evening up the odds to give their prey a sporting chance.
- I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture a handsome rebelÔ
and he claims to be attracted to my power and beauty and that he would gladly betray his companions if I just let him in on my plans.
- Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travelÔ
- When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
- I will arrange that plucky young lads/lassesÔ
in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power or rally the masses to rebellion. Thus the citizens will be jaded, should the real thing ever come along.
- I will treat any beast, which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not come after me immediately.
- My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be totally incompatible with both standard PC:sÔ
and Macintosh powerbooksÔ
- The main entranceÔ
to my stronghold will be of standard size. While elaborate 60-feet high double-doors definitely impress the locals, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
- I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine every inch of my castle and inform me of any secret passagesÔ
and abandoned tunnels I might not know about.
- Any and all magic or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self-sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
- I the handsome princeÔ
that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill him.
- I will not strike a bargain with any demonic entityÔ
and then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
- Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each and every one of them with free unlimited Internet accessÔ
Nah, can't use these guidelines. I'm like Awful GoodÔ
. Duh, teleport me to the Main Page