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Here you can read a few of the good jokes I found surfin the internet. I think it's important to laugh and to have a good sence of humor. It's
well known that a good laugh extends your life. So go on and read and I hope you will find something that makes you smile a little. New jokes will
be added from time to time. Please send me a good joke if you have one. Enjoy!
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| A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion! Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away. The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off." |
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| Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. Sixty is the worst age to be announced the sixty year old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out! Ah, that’s nuthin said the seventy year old When you’re seventy, you can’t take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothin comes out ! Actually, said the eighty year old, Eighty is the worst age of all” Do you have trouble peeing too? asked the sixty year old. No...not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race horse - no problem at all. Do you have trouble traking a crap ? asked the seventy year old. We-l-l-ll not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30. With great exasperation, the sixty year old says Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o’clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What’s so tough about being eighty ? To which the eighty year old replied.... I don’t wake up until ten. |
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| A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!" |
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| Three nuns died and went to heaven. On their way to the pearly gates. St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the nuns before you can enter you each have to answer one question correctly. So, St. Peter goes to the first nun and asked "who was the first man God had created". The first nun looked at St. Peter and said "oh that's easy, Adam". The trumpit sounded gate open and St. Peter said "you may enter". Then St. Peter goes to the second nun and asked "who was the first woman God had created". The second nun looks at St. Peter and said "oh that's easy, Eve". The trumpit sounded gate open and St. Peter said "you may enter". Than St. Peter goes to the third nun and asked "what were the first words Eve said to Adam". The third nun starts thinking then looked at St. Peter and said "oh, that's a hard one". The trumpit sounded gate open and St. Peter said "you may enter". |
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| Just after Lorenna Bobit brutally cut off her husbands penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On here way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile 2 Canadians driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the 2 Canadians drove on. About 3 miles down the road the one Canadian turned to the other and said "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?" |
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3 mice walk into a bar, pull up stools, and order 3 man-sized shots of tequilla.
The first mouse downs his shot and says "you know, I'm so brave, that when I come across a
mousetrap, I snatch the cheese before the spring snaps and then I feed my family for a week!
The second mouse then downs his shot and says "That's nothin', I can take a fist full of
Decon and just gobble it down ..." The third mouse slugs his shot down, gets up and leaves.
The other two say "hey, hey, where do you think you're goin'? And he replies.....
"I'm goin' to fuck the cat!"
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As the six-year-old passed his parents' bedroom he heard a lot of moaning, groaning and
thumping coming from within. Taking a peek, the boy caught his mom and dad in the act.
But before his father could even react, the boy cried out, "Oh boy, horsey ride!
Daddy, can I have a ride?" Relieved that he would get out of a lengthy explanation,
dad eagerly agreed and let his son hop on while in midstroke. Before long, the tempo picked
up and soon mom resumed moaning and gasping. "Hang on tight, Daddy," the boy cried out.
"This is the part when me and the mailman usually get bucked off!"
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A hunter was in a tree with his muzzle loader when he sees a bear coming down the path.
He takes careful aim and fires. The smoke clears and he peers down at the path. No bear!
The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder, looks behind him and sees the bear.
"Were you trying to kill me?" the bear growls. "No, no, of course not." "I don't believe you"
responded the bear. Without another word, the bear throws the hunter over the branch and
proceeds to screw the hell out of him. The next day the hunter brought his AR-15.
He climbed up the same tree and waited. Sure enough, here came the bear. The hunter lets
fly with a dozen rounds. The smokes clears; no bear! TAP, TAP. The hunter slowly looked
around at the bear. "Just target shooting, I suppose" says the bear. "Uh, well" the hunter
mumbled. Without waiting for another word, the bear throws the hunter over a tree limb and
proceeds to screw him again. The next day the hunter borrows a BAR from a friend. He climbs
into the tree and waits. The bear arrives and the hunter empties the clip. Smoke clears; no
bear. Tap, tap. The hunter looks around again. The bear says,
"You really aren't here for the hunting, are you?"
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Two dwarfs have just won the lottery, so they go out and hire two prostitutes and two hotel
rooms. The first dwarf tries desperately all night to get an erection, but all he can hear
from the next room is, "One, two, three, huh!" and this goes on all night. The next morning,
the second dwarf asks, "So, how did it go?" The first dwarf replies,
"Shit I couldn't get an erection. How was your night?" The second dwarf turns round and
replies, "Even worse, I couldn't even get on the bed."
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| A woman goes into a bar and orders 21 gin martinis. The bartender tells her she can't handle them all, but she insists he line 'em up. He does, she drinks them all down and passes out. A guy sees her there passed out and says, "You know, we could all fuck her and she'd never know." So they all do. After a while, she wakes up and goes home. The next day, she goes back to the bar. The bartender recognizes her and says, "Another 21 gin martinis?" "No," she says, "they make my pussy hurt." |
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| A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that cane, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." |
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| A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place." |
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| This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming fromhis parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, everynight I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him". His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?". And the boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" |
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| A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her. "Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink." |
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| Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!" |
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| A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay. But it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in." |
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| A man walks into a bar, and sits down, slaps a 50 bucks on the bar and orders as much cheap booze he can get. The bartender oblidges his wishes and pours 25 shots of bar whiskey. The gentleman smiles and slams all 25 shots. The bartender looks in amazement and inquires why he did such a thing. The man explains that he found out his youngest son, who is in the Navy, is gay. The bartender flinches and pours the man a couple more consolation shot. Shorty there after the man pours himself home. Three nights later the same man returns. Again he slaps 50 bucks on the bar and orders as much cheap booze he can get. The bartender is amazed at this, but pours his drinks and leaves him alone. Again the man proceeds to slam 25 shots of bar tequila. The bartender returns and again asks if everything is all right. The man explains that he found out his oldest son moved into a gay community in Montana and is having sex with sheep. The bartender cannot believe this guys luck and leaves a full bottle of tequila near the man. Thirty minutes later the man staggers out of the bar leaving a small tip and an empty bottle. The next night the same man returns, bleary eyed and haggered. The bartender sees he has placed a 100 dollar bill on the bar and points to the bottle rack. As the man begins to tell his story, the bartender stops him and asks " Buddy does anyone in your family like pussy?" the man replies " yeah (hic) MY WIFE!" |
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| A man dies and goes to hell. Upon his arrival the devil greets him and says, "There are three rooms here from which you may pick one to spend eternity in. " So the guy looks in the first room, and it is filled with people standing on thier heads on a concrete floor. The second room has everyone standing on thier heads on a wooden floor. In the third room he finds a peculiar sight ... everyone is up to thier neck in crap, but thier all drinking coffee. He looks at the devil and says "I'll take this one. " After ten minutes of drinking coffee in the third room, the P.A. system blurts out "Alright you guys, coffee break's over ... back on your heads." |
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| A man walks into a bar and demands ashot of whiskey. The bartender complies and the man takes the shot, puts it down and looks into his shirt pocket. "Another", he says. Once again the bartender gives him a shot, he downs it and then looks into his pocket. "Another" and so on. This goes on for awhile until the bartender whose curiosity is peaked asks the man "Sir, why is it that after every drink you look into your pocket". The man (quite drunk) slurrs in response, "In my pocket I have a picture of my wife and when she starts looking good I'll go Home!" |
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| Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling: I'll see you in two hours!" |
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| A husband and wife were in their back yard. He was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your butt is getting big.. .almost as big as the gas grill." She angrily stomped across the yard. He followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon, he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "IT IS AS BIG AS THE GAS GRILL!" Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. S he just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "What's wrong?" Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one LITTLE wiener!" |
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| A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. Thats why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?" |
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| A couple who were married for years, were making love. He asked, "Dear, am I hurting you?" She replied, "No, but why do you ask?" "You moved." |
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| A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00. |
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| A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, "You're going to die." |
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| A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "STOP! STOP! YOU`RE NOT GOING TO.. TO.. CUT IT OFF, ARE YOU?!" he husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye: "Nope. You are. I`m going to set the garage on fire." |
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| A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. "Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray." |
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| The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." |
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| Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said, my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect. Great, said the teacher. Michael got up and said, my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife. Good said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: My Mommy, she is a substitute. Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, you mean she is a Prostitute. No. Said Johnny, my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes. |
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| A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?" |
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| A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." |
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| A teenager goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a condom. The pharmacist explains that they only come in packages of 3 or 12. The young man says that he has a date that night and wants to be prepared so he purchases a package of 3. When he arrives at his dates house, he's asked to join them for dinner. Before they begin he is asked to say the grace. He says "Dear Lord, please bless the people gathered here tonight, bless the people in this community, bless ....etc. After the lengthy blessing, his date leans over and whispers to him "I didn't realize you were so religious." He whispered back "I didn't realize your father was a pharmacist"! |
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| Little Wendy is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"? Little Wendy replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe". Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken". "No", said Wendy, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken" |
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| A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?" The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good-looking?" "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her such a good cook?" "So you could love her, my son." The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?" |
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| An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!" |
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| A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." |
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"I'm hungry."
I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." Do you want to have sex? "I love you." Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "WIll you marry me?" I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) "I like that one better." Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." I am gay. |
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| Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!" |
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| A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't right know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't right know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't right know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father repied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." |
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| A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk a long a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken a back by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind this hedge. She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits, he can hear the sound of tight nylon knickers rolling down voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.He shouts in horror, "My God, Mary, have you changed your sex!" "No," she replies, "I've changed my mind. I'm taking a shit instead......" |
