"I ain't cryin' no more; I don't care what it's about, whether it be a man,
or be my family, or be a love, I'm not going to be depressed."

En av mina favoritlåtar med fröken Mary heter "Not Gon´ Cry", den var en av ledsinglarna till ett av världens mest säljande soundtrack någonsin, "Waiting to Exhale". I videon till låten visas ett urklipp från filmen, där Angela Bassett bränner upp sin mans samtliga ägodelar på gräsmattan samtidigt som Mary sjunger om att hon inte ska gråta mer över någon man, någonsin.

"It symbolyses (sången) some kind of strength. It gives everybody something. Even men.
It could be about a man, too. It gives something to hold on to."

I know there are no guarantees/In love you take your chances/But somehow it seems unfair to me/
Just look at the circumstances/Through sickness and health/Til death do us part/Those were the words that we said from our hearts/So now when you say that you´re leaving me/I don´t get that part

I början av nittiotalet spelade Mary in en demo av, Anita Baker's "Caught Up In The Rapture", i ett shoppingcenter samtidigt som hon höll kassarna i händerna. Det ledde till en deal med Uptown Records och en plats på ett soundtrack för en film, Strictly Business. Marys "You Remind Me" blev en undergroundhit, sen till en kommersiell singel som sålde guld på några veckor. Och medan hennes djupa vibratostämma i början av sången var en preview av den stämma som skulle bli så välbekant, fanns det inget hos "You Remind Me" som kunde förbereda oss för den inverkan som Marys nästa singel skulle ha på svart musikliv.

I saw you before baby/It´s a dejavu full hearted/Don´t you know that you remind me?

"Real Love" hade en dansant basslinga och en lekande pianojingel, som gick hem. Den gav Mary ytterligare en guldsingel, gnistan som kom att få hennes debutalbum, "What´s the 411?", att sälja platina flera gånger om och fick henne att förtjäna titeln the Queen of HipHopSoul.
 
Oooo, when I met you I just knew that you would take my heart and run/
Until´ you told me how you felt for me/You said I´m not the one/
So I slowly came to see all the things that you were made of/
and now I hope my dreams and inspirations lead me to want some real love

"Let me tell you the state of mind I was in back in those days. Honestly, I really didn't know what I was doing. I was just singing. I didn't know if the track had a hard beat or not. I would just sing over them because they were always ill. The ones that were straight hip hop I recognised because that's the music I grew up on, but it's so hard to remember because it feels so obvious now."

Mary blev känd som allas homegirl. Hon hade svarta tajta jeans, Dr Martens, keps och svart läderjacka medan hon rockade den inhemska soulscenen och hiphopcommunityt med en around-the-way-röst som var ytterst emotionell och fängslande till och med i dess off-moment. Så, omedvetet eller inte, hade hon styrt in på något nytt.

"At that point in my life, my mind was mush. I was hanging out every night. I was in every club. Wherever there was a party, I was there. I was just coming out of that stage of wildin' and doing anything! But when it got to the point where I was ready to record, I knew what I had to do to get out of where I was at. But I was so young and those are very cloudy moments in my life.
People around me were making all the choices for me."

Så vid 1994, hade mycket hunnits förändras. Skivaffärerna var fulla av wannabe gangstertjejer som försökte vara "soulful" över hiphopbeats, Aaliyah, Brandy, Monica, SWV, Jade...; stora Dr Martens var högsta mode, och Mary höll på att släppa en ny skiva med hjälp av sin producent, vän och föredetta PR-manager Sean "Puffy" Combs, numer mest känd som Puff Daddy. Men Mary hade redan sålt sina miljoner skivor.

"But I had lost me totally. So much that I didn't even want to find myself. There was a lot of sadness going on, and you can hear on the My Life album I was not happy at all."

If you looked in my life, and see what I've seen/ You will see I'm so blue/
Down and out, crying every day, don't know what to do or say

"Actually, that whole period of time was like being in hell. I ain't got nothing to hide. I'm gonna tell you what really goes on, and that shit was hell. The business ain't all what it's cracked up to be, and there was niggas around me that was messin' up my life. I thought they was my friends and they was killin' me. I had to finally realise that none of them really liked me. They're the ones sittin' on top of me in my face everyday, calling me every five minutes. And they the main ones that hate my guts."

Why don't you believe in me?/ Tell me why you don't see that you can put your trust in me, and let me lead the way/ Please, baby, take my hand/I don´t need another man/But if you wanna hold on tight you cannot be afraid

"So eventually, I was like, forget it - I'm out. I'm gonna just do whatever now. Until that doing whatever almost got me killed in some situations and I almost self-destructed. That's real. That's life. And a lot of people don't know how to deal with life when they get hurt."

Mary var fylld av den fötvivlan och nedstämdheten som präglade den svarta musiken på 60- och 70-talen och "My Life" var tappat direkt ur den djupa venen av sorgsenhet som rinner genom de flesta unga svart kvinnor. Den intimiteten hade Mary kraften att släppa fram på min favoritskiva.

I gave you my heart and all of my time, but now you're acting shady/ Is it all in my mind?
I know you're a busy man, but you don't understand how it feels to be alone/
When times get hard and I want to feel your sweet and tender touch/
That's all I'm asking, baby, because I never ask for more

"My music relates to everybody because it's the truth. It comes out the way it does because it's very personal. People think I have a plan or a plot to write a song, but it just comes out.
It has to be natural for me. It's like the perfect book. You don't have to think about it. The perfect book is something that somebody was either really feeling or really went through. To me, all of my songwriting has been easy. Ever since I was little I used to write stuff and try to be kinda deep. And when I wrote, I used to try to see if my soul could get into the track. If my soul was there and my spirit was in it, it was on! And there was no stoppin' me!"

I know that I was wrong/For all that carryin´ on/But are you gonna hold this against me for life?/You know all I wanted to do is to be your wife and make you happy/I´m the only woman you need/Only one you need/Take me/Don´t be a fool like you have me/If you want to be happy/I´m the only woman you need/All you have to do is to trust me/Never have to be sad again/Cuz I´ll always be your friend

"If you don't give yourself everything, you can't give nobody nothing. See, I don't care what people think of me anymore. That's the way of the world. I used to be like, 'Oh, everybody's talkin' about me. Everybody's talkin' about me because I'm poor.' Now everybody's talkin' about me and I got something! So what difference does it make? You can't win. The only way you can win is if you know you're alright and know you're a good person at heart. When you start worrying about what everybody else got, what everybody else wants from you, and what everybody else expects from you, you're finished. You're finished. You might as well be dead."

Now that I´m on my own, I know that in time I´ll find somebody new (who treats me better than you)/So I will walk alone without you/But I still love you (love you)/You know I´ll never LIVE without you

"No matter what the world say, you can walk into a club looking drop-dead gorgeous and a million girls will talk about you. But if you think you're the shit for that night, it don't even matter. And not even in the sense of like, 'Oh, I'm the shit!' but just like I feel good and I know I ain't taking nothing away from nobody. I'm not sayin' I look better then all of y'all, because maybe I don't. But I like me too. I want to look in a mirror and be like: 'Yeah, Mary, yeah!'"

Now!! Ladies!! Tonight: if you feel like you are the only woman out there and can´t no other BITCH fuck with you let me hear you scream!!

Marys telefonsvarare: Yo what's up, this is Mary. I'm not home - leave a message. Peace.
Puffy: Oh, not this shit again.. Hey Mary if you there pick up!! Yo, Mary, Mary if you're there pick up!!
Mary: Yeah, yeah, what's up Puff?
Puffy: Hey what's up nigga? What's goin' on, man? Yo, I'm driving uptown and I'm vexed.
Niggas out here frontin' sayin' you can't do it again, baby. I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm ready to put on these niggas. I'm ready for this new album to drop. I got the studio time booked at 10 o'clock. Can you be there at 10 o'clock???
Mary: Alright, I'll be there.
Puffy: Be on time, man. One love. Out.

'Puffy' Combs är den som brukas erkännas som den som skapade genren HipHopSoul och som smidde ihop stilarna och imagerna som har dominerat Amerikas östkust under 90-talet. Han var ansvarig för Father MC, Jodeci (med medlemmen K-Ci som var Marys struliga pojkvän under 1992-1995, han bildar nu ena delen av K-Ci & JoJo med den där hemska "All my life"-låten. K-Ci och JoJo figuerar mycket flitigt på Marys tre första skivor), Mary J. Blige, Notorious B.I.G., Total, 112 och Faith Evans. Han var verkställande producent på "What´s the 411?" och, med Chucky Thompson, producerade han alla utom en av låtarna på "My life". På Marys senaste album, "Share my world" dök han inte upp bland producentnamnen. Puffy blev sparkad redan under 1996 då Mary lämnade Uptown för gott för att fullfölja kontraktet på moderbolaget MCA.

"That was a choice I made, I swear I don't even want to get into that, but there was no truth there. It was like a big ol' cloud and I didn't want to see what was going on right in front of me. We were friends, we worked together, and people always asked: 'Did you mess with him? Did you sleep with him?' but it was none of that. We shared a vision. So I'm thinking that he was like my big brother, somebody that would never ever let anyone come in and try to hurt me, but... now I can't trust a lot of people in this business. It be the closest people to you, the one's who be chillin' in your house for dinner, come back the next day with a truck!"

Så det var alltså Puffy som förstörde allt för Mary??
Nej, tyvärr, så var det faktiskt inte. Mary behövde Puffy för att lära sig att stå på sina egna Versaceklädda ben. Men trots Marys tydliga cyniskhet, finns det en ironi i allt detta. Ledsingeln till "Share my world", "Love is all we need", är väldigt påminnande av "Be happy", den allra första singeln som släpptes från "My life" och tillika en av mina favoritlåtar. Den andra singeln, "Everything", är en alldeles underbar kombination av Marvin Gaye och Diana Ross duett "You are everything", (som från början är en låt av the Stylistics) och en James Brown låt. Ironiskt, är den också slående lik ett beat som Puffy använde för en av Totals hittar "Can´t you see". Så det verkar som att samtidigt som någon där ute har en lastbil, har någon annan en bandspelare.
Hur som helst, "Share my world" är ett uttryck av en gladare och mer mogen Mary J. Blige. Den mörka, bekännande atmosfären på "My life" är utbytt mot mer RnB, mer uptempo och lite mer jazzkänsla som kan förvåna många speciellt då den spänner över ett brett register.

As much as I/I want you/I don´t wanna wreck a friend I´ve already found in you/I´ve been there before and I can´t ignore/How two friends became one/But walked away with none/I cannot risk a friend/But the love is so good/I gotta make a choice/I would if I could/I never thought we would be together/How can I adress you?/ - Hey lover, - Hi friend, - How ya doin´, - Where ya been?/I gotta make a choice

Fråga: You seem very happy on this record. Are you in a better frame of mind?
Mary J: Yes, definitely.
Fråga: On My Life the songs were a lot more grown-up, a lot heavier.
Mary J: Right. Depression.
Fråga: Yes. Depression. OK. You were….
Mary J: Depressed.
Fråga: It showed. I actually liked the record a lot more than the first record, and I loved the first record. It seemed like you were really sitting down, just pouring your heart out.
Mary J: Yes. It hit home. It hit a lot of homes. I think around that time, a lot of women [were] going through some stuff. A lot of women [were] being beaten. A lot of women were being cheated on. A lot of women had low self-esteem, [were] pregnant. I'm not looking at everybody's life, but just that pain and that burden that I was carrying; I had to put that on paper because I probably wouldn't be here right now. That was a sad album because I was really sad.
Fråga: So when you look back, you don't regret making that record, do you?
Mary J: No, not at all. That record helped me make it to this point. I got something to look back on. I don't want to be that messed up again, where I almost self-destruct.
Fråga: There were a lot of stories going around in the business that you were having a lot of personal problems. There were allegations that you were having managerial problems, drug problems, boyfriend problems, every kind of problem you could have. When you're hearing all of this and you still have to make a record and go on tour, how do you deal with all the rumors?
Mary J: Well, I don't even know how I dealt with it on that album, 'cause I was messed up. Things [weren't] right, and I wasn't trying to make it better, either. I was drowning in everything. But I couldn't be like that for long, because I was getting ready to be out of here. I was getting ready to just not be here. It was hurting too bad. And it didn't help when we were on tour, because … I mean, it helped in a way, because when I went on tour, I was sad, singing [those] songs, and people were sad with me, in the crowd. But they would cheer. They just don't even know how deep that [those] songs go.
Fråga: I saw you on some mega-tour a few years ago. You sounded great, but you just seemed out of it. This beautiful voice was coming out, but (it was) just like you weren't even there.
Mary J: I was not there. Trust me, I wasn't there.
Fråga: How'd you get happier?
Mary J: Well, for one, when I was in the middle of that circle of negative people in the business, I had to step out and look at what I was dealing with. And I had to eliminate all of those people. I was getting ready to be gone. Nobody would have to take me out. I was going to do it.
Fråga: Was there any point where you just thought, "I'm just going to quit. I made some money, my mom has the house, and everything's OK. It's not worth it."?
Mary J: There was a point when I felt like that, and there was always something else in my head saying, "Mary, you can't quit now. You're not even halfway finished yet." I know there's something else I have to do. The people around me [were] making me feel like quitting. That's how I knew it was negative. Like Puffy. I think he just has to deal with himself right now, too. We all got to do it. He got to go through the hell that I went through, and end up here. And that has only begun. There's still more hell to go through. But I can deal with it now. I see what I can do with that negative energy now. I can reverse that and turn it into something good.
Fråga: So you're happy?
Mary J: I'm cool. I can't ask for no more. I worked hard enough for it. I'll tell you that.

"The truth is that a lot of people don't want to hear the truth. But the most important thing to me right now is living for Mary. You have to want to make a change for yourself and I've really been trying to work my way towards happiness again. And I'm there. I know I'm there. I feel it..."

Be happy

/producerad av Sean Puffy Combs för BadBoyEntertainment och Poke för Trakmasterz
/text av Mary J. Blige och Arlene DelValle
/musik av Sean Puffy Combs och Sean C. Olivier
/körande av LaTonya J. Blige
/alla instrument spelade av Chucky Thompson
/innehåller en sampling av "You´re too good to me" av Curtis Mayfield

How can I love somebody else/If I can´t love myself enough to know when it´s time/Time to let go
Sing

All I really want is to be happy/And to find the love that´s mine it would be so sweet

I ask for a sign from my sweet Lord up above/I know the answer is in front of me but when you think you´re in love/You only see what you want to see/And all I see is me for you and you for me
Oh I cannot hide the way I feel inside (No, I don´t know why)/I don´t know why but everyday I wanna cry (Everyday I wanna cry)/If I gave you one more try, to these rules will you abide?/And if I mean anything to you, would you make everything allright?

All I really want is to be happy/And to find the love that´s mine it would be so sweet

I just wanna be so, so happy/But the answer lies in me/I do believe that we can be happy/I said I wanna be happy
- Now let me breathe -
Life is too short/To be trying to play some games/Now take some time and think about/If it´s really worth losing me/Why must it be this way?/Why do you have to play with my mind/All the time?/
Help me sing it

All I really want is for me to be happy (Oh, just help me sing it)
All I really want is for me to be happy (Oh, you know I wanna be happy)
I don´t wanna have to worry about nothin no more
Said I wanna be, said I wanna be, said I wanna be
All I really want is to be happy/And to find the love that´s mine it would be so sweet...