........no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...you will never hear them say:

39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my hair is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is -

1. Elvis who?